Guest prose from the spindely fingers of a Mr Joseph Hartley.

I'm just going to give you the full piece in its entirity. Enjoy, and if you are offended easily read on, Hell read it twice. I hate you sort of people anyway, you're the reason that Ross and Brand are hounded by the full reading demographic of the so called 'Red Tops'. Congratulations, Here is 'Lewd Pancake'.

your mood expounded in a fuzzy 45% offing that perambulates through her hair. the scarlet harlot is ensconced on your chest. your arm minces and adumbrates with her back which is currently in negotiations with your bed in a cheeky flank to consume your estranged limb. you ignore it. its not part of your unison and frankly redundant now that your colleague can do all the wanking for you.

youre completely besotted with this mad lady, anymore more navarro would have jack-knifed her into a state of utter lunacy and unconcscious dancing and you say good for you! you conquered that thing that was previously smoking bad manners and snorting decorum like it was going retro. her rioja mane begins to play footsie with your smoke as it coils and drools and stumbles through the ocean.

tracing the conga smoke ribbon to your satisfaction cigarette, putting your ear to its churlish gob, you hear it "Well done boy! well done!" her breathing switched tracks, the jaundiced curtains edify and give pep and vim to her drop-dead skin and as she opens that eye you hold hands in an ineffable, metaphysical consciousness and you both know. then you eat her out before deciding on a pancake.